Father's Day 2011

Today is a day to recognize and appreciate fathers, whether you have one, two or none available to you.

I grew up with one, but in Plainfield came to know pairs who dedicated themselves to the nurture of children. And I know of many children, young and grown, who must put together from diverse sources the understanding of what fatherhood means.

My father was an engineer and often fit the cliche of one – somewhat inaccessible to us children and not warmly tuned in to our little triumphs and joys. My mother had to coach him to compliment us on our nice new shoes or some accomplishment at school. Perhaps he was marked by his own childhood, where his mother dominated the home while his father – a different kind of engineer who drove trains across the South – was often away.

But when I was struggling after my divorce, my Dad would come and get me when my car broke down and he was much more indulgent with my children, who loved their Granddaddy.

Still, as a feminist in the 1980s, I could write “May patriarchy fall” with honest emotion to see the end of the dominating male who squelched and belittled his wife and children, the household tyrant who abused the power given to him by society and custom. I think we all generally came out of that time with a different view of fathers as partners in bringing up the kids, even if they clung to their mental “man-caves.”

Having seen the end of my marriage and many others around me in the late 1970s, I was bemused by the growing inclination of gays to want to create families with children. How did the dismissive term “breeders” become replaced by the realization that the parental role is one of the more exalted parts of being human? I recall attending a picnic at the end of a house tour welcoming prospective LGBT homeowners to Plainfield and seeing two dads with twin sons in strollers, a heart-warming sight knowing how many children were desperately seeking a father figure in their lives.

My children’s father decided to set family life aside for the life of an artist, a not uncommon practice through the ages, as I found out in reading countless biographies of painters and musicians. One child became estranged for many years, while the other found enough of a father in other significant males to form a positive notion of paternal behavior. As adults, the estranged one has made a tentative rapprochement with Dad, while the forgiving one has come to understand the loss actually suffered.

I once read that motherly instincts are fundamental, but in times of stress a father may walk away from parental responsibilities. Certainly in my parents’ generation, the story of a man going out to buy cigarettes and never returning became a trope for such abandonment. Nowadays the issue of baby-daddies seems endemic to urban society; it was just months ago that The Rev. Al Sharpton railed against it right here in Plainfield in the context of crime prevention.

So Father’s Day can conjure up many thoughts and emotions, happy or sad, grateful or angry, forgiving or judgmental. Wherever your dad is on the scale today, you can reflect and be glad for the degree of fatherliness you have known - from whatever source - on this Father’s Day 2011.

--Bernice